Computer Joke thread

[hard candy]

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective.
Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker the right side of the machine and vice versa."
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)


Sent by: Michelle Saito @ jps.net

[hard candy]

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.
He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"


Sent by: Michelle Saito @ jps.net

[hard candy]

FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
>> TO: Trojan Army Listserv
>> RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
>>
>> Hey Hector, This was forwarded to me by Cassandra -- it looks
>> legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.
>> Thanks, Laocoon
>>
>> WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
>> IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO
>> NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite
>> your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse
>> about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates
>> and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates!
>> It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming,
>> including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy
>> your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you
>> have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out
>> of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
>> FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
>> Poseidon
>>
>>
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
> >> TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
> >> RE: Greeks bearing gifts
> >>
> >> Laocoon, I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest
> >> hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through
> >> on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was
> >> supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with
> >> something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that
> >> this is a hoax: (1) This "Forward this message to everyone you
> >> know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek
> >> army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians,
> >> and Cretans? (2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
> >> (3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems
> >> with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides,
> >> the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me
> >> suspicious. (4) Technically speaking, there is no way for
> >> a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an
> >> animal, after all.
> >>
> >> Next time you get a message like this, just delete it.
> >> I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around
> >> the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this
> >> kind of stuff is.
> >>
> >> Bye now, Hector
> >>

[hard candy]

Title: Computer Women

HARD-DISK Woman
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER!

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

EXCEL Woman
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

INTERNET Woman
Difficult to access and hard to keep running!!!

SERVER Woman
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster!!!

E-MAIL Woman
Out of every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

VIRUS Woman
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

[hard candy]

Windows Source Code

Some people have hacked into Microsoft and stolen their Windows XP code and here it is. I am sure that they would love any improvements for the next version.



#include <windows.h>
#include <system_errors.h>
#include <stdlib.h>

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

main()
{
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
set_wait_states(lots);

set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right \
or just call it Chicargo)\n");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(1) {
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
if (rand() < 0.9)
crash(complete_system);
}
return(unrecoverable_system);
}

[hard candy]

Corporate Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[hard candy]

Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"